Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all about
knowing fuck all about owt, needs to watch their back.
So you've had your Labour, reclassifying skunk,
sending prices sky-high,
literally, literally
taking the grass from its own roots.
And now you've got your condemnation.
Liberals noshing Tories like altar boys picking dimps up.
Have we had a national fucking stroke, or what?!
Is revolution a word?
Or was it never?
Anybody watching needs to know,
we cope better than average with irony in Chatsworth.
Well, for fuck's sake, we live in Manchester
and they charge us for water!
I wandered lonely as a clown,
necking mushrooms rarely found,
This green and pleasant land in ancient times...
yak-yak-yak-yak-yak!
It's not theirs any more.
This is our England now!
Party!
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
'Like it or not,
'competition is the marrow in our bones.
'Without it, everything stagnates.
'People, communities, society, everything.'
'As soon as you stop competing,
'if you rest on your laurels, and what you have, you've lost.
'That's why some old bastards refuse to retire.
'Work on until 70 and 80 and 85.
'Because, if they stop competing, they'll die.
'Competition drives us forward, individually and collectively.
'Maybe greed is not good,
'but competition fucking is.
'It's in our DNA.'
Fuck's sake, Shane!
They won't be here long. We'll get shot of them no sweat.
Or they'll be here for a while,
because we've got no chance of shifting them.
I thought you were flogging them locally?
Everyone who wants one has got one, sometimes two.
People are using them as patio furniture.
Supply and demand, Jackson.
There's a world beyond the Chatsworth.
I just want them out my fucking yard! Makes us a target!
His objection's political.
No, it's not!
Doesn't like robbing from the nice people in the nice houses, do you?
I don't like robbing, period.
Oi, Question Time,
Shut the fuck up!
If I go to jail,
it won't be for renewable energy.
The fucking shame!
They'd stick you in with the nonces!
I think it's lovely.
The place smells of piss and cabbage.
Why be unpleasant?
What did it gain you, that little bit of fucking nastiness just now?
All right, I take it back!
The place smells of rose petals and Chanel No. 5.
Oi! What do you think you're doing?
They're not going to miss them.
Half of them have forgot they smoke.
Re-distribute the cigarettes.
Same again all round, please.
Kiss. My. Arse!
What have I done?
Apart from casual theft and abuse of trust?
I think what you're doing is very kind, Patty.
Most of these folks have no-one.
Loved ones dead and gone, moved away,
or just couldn't be fecked with them anymore.
I'll bring your drinks over, Patty.
Thank you.
What's that smell?
I am not clambering across any more roofs.
You never did.
You held the ladder.
I clambered across the fucking rooftops.
Whatever, I'm not doing it.
I want a proper, legit business.
If you want to stay the Artful Dodger all your life, go ahead.
What are you doing?
Saving myself a job.
I'd only have to pack it up and take it to the dump.
You can't give it away!
Jackson, it's the end-of-the-day shit that even we can't get shot of.
Fucking dogs wouldn't eat it.
Carry on. It's fine for you.
This is a business.
Allow them a loaf and bag of stale lettuce,
while they ponder where they might sleep tonight!
Again, feel free to continue.
Basic economics.
People won't pay for stuff they can get for free.
Economics, my arse!
You're a snob!
Bollocks!
You won't steal solar panels from the middle class,
but you're happy to see them starve.
I hate tramps as much as the next man,
but you can't stand by and watch them starve, while you bin grub.
Yes, you can.
Word gets out you're giving it away,
we won't have a business or money, or fuck all!
Go on then. Ask them for it back.
As of tomorrow,
we split what's left down the middle.
Fair enough.
You'll damage us.
No, I won't. I'll feed a couple of muppets,
and I'll get to feel less of a cunt for a while.
What could be better?
Never put her hand in her pocket all day,
started a kitty, and then pocketed the change.
Smart as paint, that one.
It's a gender thing.
Men need sex,
women choose sex.
It's not a choice with me. I can't go without.
Can tell by the way you walk.
Cheeky!
I'm with Ruby. We're fighting biology.
Women are more evolved, more developed.
We choose our partners.
Men would fuck a hole in the wall if they had to.
They're like animals with needs.
Shut up! I'm single!
I am living in hope of finding the last remaining good one.
Oh, that ship sailed long ago, love.
Last good man - Cary Grant.
Open relationship, my arse!
- Out! - I'm just finishing...
Out!
You have needs.
Food, shelter, and basic sanitation.
Would you shag a hole in the wall?
Do you want me to?
We haven't had sex in three weeks.
You're always too tired.
You're asleep before me every night.
Then I'm always tired.
When I finish my shift,
we're going to do some riding.
Place your bets.
Now's your chance to win back some of your cash.
Again?!
In the living room.
Ahem!
Someone'll steal your fags one day. We all get old.
She hit me! Get off!
Pack it in, the pair of you! Lend a fucking hand!
She's robbed my watch!
Does someone want to tell me what this is all about!?
I won the watch fair and square!
I took it off, cause I'm retaining water,
and my wrists are all swelled up.
Next thing, it's on her wrist!
The mad cow ran out of money and wagered the watch!
I did no such thing!
I extend the hand of friendship to you people,
and this is how I'm repaid?
I'm attacked in my own home!
I think it's time you all left.
Come on.
That's it.
Tell me that woman was mistaken.
She barely knows Christmas from Tuesday.
Are they...?
Like rabbits.
Running commentary for a good hour now.
My sainted mother.
Oh, that was fucking awesome!
You could suck the chrome off an exhaust pipe!
Ow! What the fuck?!
You're faking it!
I'm not!
I didn't have the chance
to spit or swallow.
There's fuck all there!
It's dry as the Gobi!
How long's this been going on?
Don't you love me anymore?
Now you're just offending me.
What's going on?
Nothing!
I'll just finish myself off then, shall I?!
Taped Corrie for you.
Omnibus.
Poor buggers have hardly got two brain cells as a group,
and you're fleecing them!?
It was a card game. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose. They lost.
Should be ashamed of yourself.
You were robbing their cigarettes.
With no skill whatsoever, I may add. Might as well have sounded a klaxon.
A few tabs isn't purses and jewellery.
No, it isn't.
Where do you two get the nerve to try
and occupy the moral high ground?
You, a harlot, in the old-fashioned Biblical sense.
And you, a truanting, occasional drug-running little arsehole.
Hardly paragons of virtue.
Come ahead, you fucking pricks.
Look, you got us wrong!
You're Shane Maguire...
What the fuck's it to you?
What you doing?
These fuckers are after doing me in.
We just want... food.
Food?
Been out of work since summer and we heard you help people.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
You "help people" - like Spider-Man.
And what were you gonna do, Chatsworth Ninja, fucking meditate them into submission?
It was karate.
It was bollocks.
Let's get some food for these muppets.
Oh, no, that's your look-out, fuck all to do with me.
He'll do you a good deal on a solar panel as well, lads.
Heat your water with the Manchester sun.
Oh, fuck off.
She was on a losing streak and accused me - me - of dishonesty, in an attempt to recover her losses.
Why not give it back?
All right, Jez?
Excuse me?
You should be gambling for coppers,
not watches and pearls and shit,
it's not fair for the people with... you know, mental.
Dementia or not, a bet's a bet, there's a principle.
And you wonder how come you've got no mates.
I have many close... acquaintances.
I'll give you 40 for this.
What the fuck's going on?!
Excuse I.
And a herb and avocado wrap, please.
Out of my way, you fucking tramp.
You were supposed to clear the yard, not fill it up with
- The Boys from the Blackstuff. - He's proving a point.
That shite attracts flies?
That he can give away left-over stock,
without it affecting the business, or his life.
They kept coming all fucking day '
I thought it'd make more sense to throw it all together,
make a big pot.
So you're Mother Theresa now, then?
I'm trying to get shot of the smelly bastards...
thought this might be a bit quicker.
You wanna earn your place in heaven,
take your spares down to Saint Macs, Father McGinn runs a kitchen there.
I'm not trying to...
Shouldn't laugh quite so hard - peed yourself a little bit there.
All right, one at a fucking time!
I want my yard back. Fucking move, you scruffy twats!
Have you got any bacon?
What do you think?
You're firing blanks?
Don't fucking say nothing, please.
You got a kid, you can't be.
No, it's not exactly blanks,
everything's as usual, and the sex is fucking mint,
it's just... every time I pull the trigger, no bullets.
Maybe you are faking it.
I'd know, wouldn't I?
Men can't fake it.
Of course they can.
This one time, I was banging a right dog,
yeah, so I'm fucking pounding away and pounding away,
but, no flourish at the end, you know. So, I faked it all.
"Argh, yeah, baby, I'm gonna come..."
Fuck off!
Did she not know?
Nah, man, she was just grateful.
Yeah, grateful that you got off her.
Shit. Nah, but honestly, the sex is fucking amazing,
and loads of it, but it's just no spunk.
Maybe I've used it all up.
You can't get a tan off them, you know?
Get upstairs, I'm gonna fuck you juicy.
Thought you'd gone to work.
Just heading. Bye, now.
Stack the pallets when you're done, Father, I'll pick them up later.
I can't tell you how grateful we are, Shane.
Well, was only gonna toss it, so...
I shouldn't be worrying about where they've come from, should I?
No, it's all legit. Pass it on with a clear conscience.
I'll give your regards to me mam, yeah?
Come to the hall later,
see the difference your generosity can make?
If this is to be a regular thing,
you should at least see where your donation goes.
With all due respect, Father,
I'm not naturally sympathetic to tramps...
The homeless.
You're on your uppers, don't go asking for hand-outs, get off your arse and sort it.
So, why help?
Like I say, it was either here or the bin. Don't make me Gandhi.
Price tag over sell-by, they've at least got a couple of days in them.
Brie and black grape?
Shaun Ryder.
What?
Nothing.
- C'mon, it's a job lot, you can't pick and choose, all or nothing. - I'll give you a tenner for the lot.
Fuck off, there's 100 items here, easy. 40.
This is me being generous.
Can I have this back, please?
Get some weed. And get a load of sweets for tonight.
Too late.
What? Oh, you're joking.
How many times is that?
Three, maybe four.
Anything?
Dry as Gandhi's flip-flop.
Thought so. I've got friction burns.
Do you want to quit?
Fuck, no.
The only way to get over a bad patch is to hump your way out of it.
Just let me baste the goose. Come on.
Fuck.
Jesus, Tish.
Shouldn't you be hanging around street corners drinking cider?
I'm not going to ask, you're gonna have to tell me.
You know, like you said I could have Nana's wedding ring when you died?
When I die, future tense.
I kind of borrowed it.
Explain "kind of."
You're not allowed to wear jewellery to school.
I pawned it.
And they've lost it.
Where's the ring?
She's still got plenty of time to get it back.
She must have altered the receipt, you know what kids are like.
Where is it?
I may have weighed it and sent it off for cash.
Sent to who?
I packed up a whole load of unclaimed,
second-rate items to one of those companies,
Brass-for-Gold-dot-www or something.
It may have got mixed up with that.
You sold my mum's ring on to some trashy scrap merchant?
What I sent was little better than costume jewellery.
You're welcome to the money, I don't want it, it's tainted.
Now if you don't mind, I'm having my fecking tea.
Lapsang Souchong, mind, none of your Darjeeling crap.
You're mental.
No, I'm livid.
What kind of world is it where a poor pensioner
can't eat her cake in peace?
There must be a cancellation clause, a declaration?
I signed all the forms, it's above board.
It wasn't yours to sell! You stole it.
How dare you!
I want the ring back, or I'm going to the police.
- They'll laugh at you. - Be with you in five minutes, mate.
I'm just looking for my wife's engagement ring.
Ah, feck!
Muesli, yoghurt, bio-thingy, freshly squeezed orange,
fresh coffee and for dessert,
a little bit of bugle.
Really? All day?
I've been stuck here for hours,
leave, before she gets her powdered rhino horn out.
You ready for the next round, lover?
Baby?
I've got no spunk.
For weeks, I keep coming and coming, and everything's great,
but nothing comes out. I'm totally dry.
I'm spunkless.
Are you sure this won't affect your business?
I'm determined it won't.
My partner's laughing up his cuff at me.
Might have a point, you can't afford to show weakness
in business these days.
We do all right.
Sorry, guys, you're too late - we're eaten out of house and home.
Sally Army in Langley run a kitchen till nine, though.
Quite a bit still left there, would've done them.
You need to establish boundaries, or it gets unmanageable,
feed those guys now, and two more will be along in half an hour,
then three more an hour after that. You end up a 24/7 cafe.
And besides, it helps people in their situation
to have some structure, some rules, helps give shape to their day.
Well, I don't know how you do it, I wouldn't have the patience.
Same time tomorrow, padre.
Yep.
How are we today? Mind if I join you?
Keep it to yourselves, but you'll never believe
who I saw doing the walk of shame.
Give it a rest, Patty, not interested.
You bitch.
Yeah, go on, piss off.
There's tea in the pot.
I've been made redundant, did you hear?
It would seem I'm to be made a scapegoat,
for all sorts of the pent-up bitterness from every quarter.
Little more than victimisation,
and me, a senior citizen with special needs.
I'm not sure my health is up to it.
26 people, you stole from,
that's the ones we know about, some in a far worse state than you.
And not a word of fucking remorse.
I'm sorry, all right?
If that's what it takes.
Maybe I'm being punished by...
you know who. I've fucked too much, enjoyed it more than I should.
Sex is a gift from God, baby, you're supposed to enjoy it.
All those little Rain Man thoughts running about up there.
Don't think, just do.
Actually, that might be the worst thing you can do.
If you don't mind me butting in.
It's kind of personal, Father.
Don't call him Father. He's not even practising.
Just a random bloke who wants to talk about my spunk.
I know something about this.
What, God or spunk?
We could use the help.
Is something bothering you, making you anxious?
I don't think so.
Happy with your life, marriage?
I love Mimi, right, don't ever say that!
The Scouser's right.
You don't have to over-think these things, it's a bodily function.
Right, this is a private conversation!
It's not an uncommon problem,
the pair of you, come round to mine later, soon have it sorted.
You're late.
Sorry, my partner was busy walking on water.
Should've come earlier, it's all gone.
What has?
Everything - produce, bakery, ready meals, about an hour ago.
I'm not following.
Manager brought the bloke down, got us to load the van,
supposed to have it ready for collection, same time, every day.
What bloke?
The Priest, from Saint Mac's.
He gets all the sell-by from now on, totally gratis.
I'm gutted, that were a nice little earner.
No way are these ten-denier, Chesney, no light gets through,
fucking 80 if they're a day.
It says ten on the packet.
Yeah, and made in Uzbekistan.
Oh, for fuck's sake.
I'll be gone before you know it. I've come to collect my things.
Yeah, I've boxed 'em up.
Are you all right?
I'm fine.
Did someone throw that at you?
Don't matter what she did, throwing things at an old lady is not right.
No, it's not.
I fucking told you!
How was I supposed to know we'd get done over by a priest?
You've cost me my living, you've lost our business
because you wanted to get one over on me, and feel good about yourself.
It's fuck all to do with that and you know it.
Basic common sense, you give something for nothing
and people will grab it off you, because you put no value on it.
That's not entirely true is it?
You gave it away!
You valued the business at nothing, so now we have nothing!
Look at this place, you're not a businessman,
you're a petty thief/rag and bone man,
you're fucking klepto Steptoe.
There's got to be a mistake, right, he's a priest.
How many times, you cannot get a tan from a solar panel!
Jesus!
Thinks he knows everything.
'Night.
Why'd you do it?
I never thought they'd return for their goods.
Most don't. Glad to get what little we can give them.
I never asked you to explain the opportunity. I asked why.
You and Marty will be making a life for yourselves,
some place, Aidan has his future ahead of him,
which leaves me with Frank Gallagher,
who's going to look after me then?
Bollocks, don't kid a fucking kidder,
this isn't about a rainy-day fund.
Don't keep lying, Patty...
much like yourself, it's getting old.
Anejaculation. It's a condition, dry cumming.
Am I dying?
Don't be fucking soft!
Dominic was right, it's anxiety,
your jizz is worried about coming out.
What the fuck's that?
An electro-ejaculator,
a gift from a grateful psychiatric nurse, back in the day.
I wiped it down wi' Vim.
How's it work?
It stimulates the prostate gland - milks the man, essentially.
Is the prostate the one at the back of the throat?
The other one.
All right, baby? Is it in?
Likes to keep himself nice and clean.
He's a stickler.
Kind of ironic, really,
considering you're such a fan of back-door this, back-door that.
Fuck me, love is...?
Wonder how long it'll take.
That should do it.
I've put some credit on that. So if you need me, ring.
But don't take the piss.
Get to fucking school!
I'm going.
Was on the step. Has your name on it.
They're going to make you repeat, you know.
You'll be in school till you're fucking 24.
Can they do that?
Oh, my...!
Jesus Christ!
It's shit! It's human shit!
How d'you know?
Be my guest.
How many pallets is that? What a bastard.
I am fucking having him.
No violence - makes him a victim, gets him sympathy.
Sympathy keeping you warm, is it?
You stitched us up.
You said it wouldn't affect your business.
There is no business any more, you've taken it.
Shut us down.
All's fair in love, war and business.
It's a brilliant idea,
making use of what greedy corporate giants throw away.
You couldn't buy publicity like this...
how kind they are,
how humane. Everyone's a winner!
Except us.
Collateral damage.
Think of it as a sacrifice for the greater good.
That business was our livelihood.
Not much of a business, living off scraps.
I'm sorry, mate, I was wrong.
I owe you an apology but I will make it up to you.
I hope that's not a threat.
Threats.
Now that is my business.
What are you going to do?
Haven't a clue, mate.
McGinn's one of the good guys, old school, mind,
bit Old Testament, not big on tolerance.
Not big on tolerance.
What do you mean?
Well, he's been at St Mac's for 27 years.
Y'know, one parish, all the time.
Thank you.
Used to be a smart area. He hates that it's not now.
You can see the resentment sweating through his pores.
So, doesn't tolerate who?
Anybody who doesn't meet his exacting standards.
Put your pen down! Don't be a loser all your life.
Sent it back, no questions asked.
Can I have it back now? I've learnt my lesson.
When I'm dead, that's when you can have it back.
Fuck!
Call an ambulance!
Quick!
Have you checked her pulse?
So, are we supposed to use this every time we...?
No, baby.
Emergencies only.
Well, am I fixed?
I don't think you are.
There's nothing wrong with you physically. It's in your head.
Something's bothering you so much, that you don't want to...
do that with me.
That's not true!
Subconsciously, it's in your head.
I know you think you love me.
I do!
Maybe what you really want, deep down,
is to be with girls your own age.
Like that bit of stuff you were hanging all over at the pool table the other night.
She was just a mate.
There's something's blocking your pipes.
And I don't want to get in your way.
You're not in the way.
They're in the way.
All the girls you make me see.
I don't want to sleep with anyone else. I just want to be with you.
Don't cry, please.
I married you and I only want to be with you.
What's wrong?
I've just come in my pants.
What d'you need him for?
He's not a manager, he's an assistant.
I've never really seen him cry before, not properly,
sobbing, tears.
That's gotta be a good thing.
He's able to express himself, let his feelings out.
It's the other thing that worries me.
Seems to be unblocked everywhere.
Y'know, he's clearly been holding it all in.
Love you, baby.
Thank you, babe.
We don't want any trouble.
No trouble from me, Padre.
I just want you to know, I'm onto you.
Good for you.
Man in your position has a lot to lose.
It's a pity.
I won't be intimidated.
Wait!
I will go to the police.
There is nothing you can legitimately...
You're a bigot. Huh?
No blacks, no Asians,
no gays.
It's not true!
We care for all colours, creeds and sexualities here.
Bollocks!
I know the sting of bigotry.
I have experienced the sharp end of prejudice,
so don't think you can play that card with me.
Used to be black, did you?
I'm a homosexual, as it happens.
I don't practise, of course. That would be sinful.
Now, that is fucked up for a start.
Do you mind?
I can't open the door to everybody who comes knocking.
We'd be swamped with the wrong type.
The "wrong type"?
I don't care about gay or straight, creed or colour,
I'm talking about you people.
You filthy, fucking people,
with your crime and your drugs and your constant breeding,
always breeding!
You should all be sterilised.
Like I said,
a bigot.
This was a good area - schools, houses, nice roads,
but then the 'Underbelly' had to be given a chance.
- Good people are supposed to be protected from your kind. - The "wrong type", yeah?
Yes, the wrong fucking type.
Well, maybe all the "wrong type" could live in the same place,
maybe get 'em a little uniform...
stripes,
little yellow star.
That is beneath you.
But not beneath you, apparently.
Now I'm guessing this could be the wrong kind of publicity.
Meet Mr Wardak.
I believe his employer supplied today's foodstuffs.
Blackmail?
That's, uh,
rather crass.
But effective.
All is fair in love, war and business, Padre.
You really don't want to?
No. I hate sleeping with other women
I only do it cos you make me.
You're my wife and I want to fuck you.
Then let's end this open relationship thing.
Let's just be...
you for me, and me for you.
Are you sure?
Of course I am.
Oh, thanks, babe.
Everyone deserves a second chance,
so you can have your job back.
Clerical duties only once you're back on your feet,
so to speak.
Well, I'm very grateful.
It may be a while.
We'll give you some peace.
I have no evidence whatsoever for what I'm about to say,
so you're off the hook, either way.
Bag of flour,
turd in an envelope,
tragic fall from your chair,
from which you made a miraculous recovery.
What are you...?
No protests, no denials.
If I licked my finger and wiped it across your eye,
how would your bruises be then?
You... are a devious,
conniving old fraud.
I have no idea what you are talking about.
Course you don't.
From one tough bird to another...
if it stops here, your secret's safe.
Understood?
'Competition is a good thing.
'It provides motivation and incentive.
'Sir Chris Hoy and his giant thighs didn't get onto the Olympic podium
'because it's the taking part that counts.
'But everyone has to start with the same chance.
'That's how a society moves forward.
'Black, brown, white, straight, gay, confused.
'Except the Jocks of course.
'If there's one thing I hate more than the Irish,
'it's the fucking Jocks.'
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells http://UKsubtitles.ru.
That's it - plugged in. Fill your boots!
Dirty, filthy,
Geiger counter probe up your arse, nasty boy.
There she blows!